Tiny experience that brings healing to me

Something strikes me today; that makes me feel ever grateful to God. He works in mysterious ways, so dumb of me to only realised today. 

Long story short, i find myself playing with my best friends espresso machine with his favourite coffee beans (obviously not the ones i bought for him coz it turns out they are filter roast 😂). 

The last time i did that was 18 years ago when i worked as barista and studied at the same time in aussie. By now you probly figured i have forgotten all that i learnt back then and it is just so embarassing and humbling when i stares at his machine knowing nothing lmao. 

Instead of the normal portafilter, i was convinced by him to try the bottomless portafilter which concerns me alot that i will not do it right and dirtied his apartment after hearing his warnings 😂😂😂. 

After all the ding dongs from difficulty in grinding the coffee beans till prepare them for the espresso machine... finally it's time to brew! 

At this point i am listening to every abc steps that my best friend taught me hahaha. Once the button pressed, i am excited and worry at the same time waiting for the coffee to drip. 

Suddenly out of nowhere, he reminded me to observe the coffee dripping from the bottomless portafilter. 

Oh boy, i swear when i looked down; it was such a beautiful moment, watching coffee dripping slowly from the bottomless filter. And i can never get enough of that moment ever. Something in me just felt the joy and i experienced some healing happening inside of me that i could not pin point. 

I know i might be talking gibberish now and for many, this is just a normal daily thing that people who drinks coffee do often. It awaken something inside of me which is long gone in silence. The passionate side of me towards life. The things i used to enjoy doing and never get tired of it. 

It is amazing how small things in our daily life still able to inspire us and impacted us. At this point, i can only feel grateful beyond words and continue to strive to feel that way when i am about to receive the blessings to come. 

This might be the time. Actually, this IS the season to receive what i am due to receive all these while. I think i am ready for what's coming, Lord. +

P.S Grateful, grateful and just grateful. I hope he loves the beans i got him 😅

Take away my desires

In the midst of heavy assignments, i find myself splitting to many faces at the same time and struggling to keep up. 

Multiple versions of me acting at the same time is not fun at all; crushing my soul from the inside. I am needing all the peace in the world rn. 

I did not ask to feel this way nor i did not wish for this to happen either. I have never even asked for it at the first place. Each time i have my life all figured and plan out, there's always something unexpected happened and disrupted everything. What a joke this is. I am trying to stay contented here. 

My heart aches knowing that this is not worth it. 

In this generation filled with nonchalant people, here i am wondering where do i belong? 

I am tired of being the bigger person,

I am tired of being a selfless person,

I am tired of being over considerate,

I am tired of being strong and independent,

Yet i have to faced the world,

Yet i have to act like my age even when i am not ready (i will never be ready),

Yet unexpected things still happening to me,

Yet i find myself trap in my own world once again, feeling empty inside. 

I did not ask for this, Lord. What is the purpose? I have no more spiritual strength to handle those challenges anymore. I wish to surrender and just let things runs its course. 

Ying

Please, take away my desires. I am begging not to feel this way desparately. 

Kinda speechless at this point of life

Every time I start to write, it means I am going to a new phase of life. 

And today is 2026. Looking at all my previous posts as wintersnoopy, I slowly remember who I am, who I used to be, and what I will do soon. 

I started this blog way back in 2005. This blog continues to astonish me for surviving this long (the heck it did 😏). 

Well, I will just pop in and keep writing. Thank you for accompanying me all these years, even during the current times, wintersnoopy. 

Ying

Thanks for dragging me out from the corner of the room, kiddos. About time. 

Happiness is nothing but art and i have failed

Once, I only wished our friendship and momentum will keep on going.

Once, I only wished for the connection and understanding.

Once, I only wished for your hands to be held close to me, the kisses that turned my world upside down, the right moments that we spent together, the same wavelength that we synced, sharing the fragments of our soul where we belong together. 

I thought after all that i could be contented and be at peace but i was wrong. I have asked God to grant me the experience and he did.. but i wasn't contented; wasn't satisfy.  I became greedy. I wanted more and more .. for me to belong to and belong to me. 

All I could feel is this moment and i just don't wanna go home right now. I had to convince myself that God's plan is always more beautiful than my desire and that I had to force myself to stay patient and obedient towards His timing. All of these just because we are the species where we are the so called better and stronger people. How many episodes i have to go through in this life? How many heartbreaks, regrets and suffering that I have to go through? I am just a mere human. 

My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved...
I sang a song but no one hears, I screaming now but you're not here. All I wanna do is to say I love you. 
My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved...

I can only bury you deep down inside my heart and my soul.

My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved... 

my heart has hope and agony in parallel. 

My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved... 

when everything's meant to be broken, i just want you to know who I am. 

Right here, right now

A part of me just died, probably it's time to send and lock the other me away into the cold dark place, once again. 

In the quest of searching myself, issit worth instilling guilt, uncertainties, pain, troubles to myself and people around me? When i had the courage to go for it, but what i got is cold response and pulling back. 

Maybe i should lock it away. So that i could feel no more pain, no more emptiness and no more joy. It's too much to take in. 

Ying

Sighhhhh... 1 more day to a brand new year

It's You & Only You

In the midst of emotional roller coaster these few days (more like chasing my own tail *facepalm*), feeling something is amiss all the time. Is this another misconception of mine? Is this a trial? Can i trust my own feelings & judgement? I am pretty sure my body is being very honest at this point of time. 

As I am going through all the trials and tribulations, I find myself intensely yearning for Christ; for the holy spirit in me (Nope, not another P&W session, pfft). Every little things that's happening around me are like messages and I not sure which one to take in. As if the situation is making me to learn that I have to let go of trying to control but to put my trust and let things fall into places regardless of the pain, joy and what may come. 

Apparently the only option that i have for myself is kinda clear (hard to make myself to admit that), IT IS TO BE OR NOT TO BE (heck, why am I being so poetic in the early morning?). I could see that particular barrier in front of me now but i am stuck. Do i have the courage to cross that barrier even it might means i will lost literally everything; even when it hurts? Is that barrier JUST a misconception of mine all along as what the societies and professionals claimed? 

God, you alone are holy, are worthy and only you alone deserve my praise. Me, on the other hand; kept on questioning my own existence and worthiness in this world. In my own world and my own definition, in nature i am just a fucked up and confused being; often contradicting myself within myself (hence fucked up and confused wearing a perfect rational & innocent mask) with inner dialogues (yes, i am a psycho). 

Please, walk beside me Lord, don't ever leave me alone. Be my tomorrow, i give you my weaknesses, you give me your strength. 

Ying,

Sheldon wannabe? 

I have asked for it

The times i don't feel that God is close to me, He is actually close at heart. Just like 4 years ago, crucial timing where i have asked and seeked, then answers (be it complete or incomplete... yes God.. you are so naughty) came right away after that. Always during Christmas period aih.. 

This short trip, although is not a full closure but i did experience certain degree of breakthrough; getting closer and closer to the one buried inside of me. Things i did not get to do before this, people that i have not been able to meet, funeral that i am unable to attend.. i fulfilled it during this trip. 

Now sitting at the airport departure hall, heart is longing to go home, to where the other person is... for now... what will it be after this, i do not know; all i know is i can never let go of seeking you, can never stop questioning you, Lord. 

Ying

Sometimes we stubborn like rain

Me Time

Hiding myself at the usual corner again (can't seem to upload the photo of the spot.. grrr), just feel like lazying around and away from voices of human.. aih... 

Being honest is hard, being truthful hurts, doing the so called right thing taking its toll. But then again God, if it is not now, when? I have already revealed my cards; said things which can't be undone. The rest, i only can let the course run on its own from here. Can't figure out the true meaning of this universe (wont be human if i do). If it is meant to be, it is.. if it is not.. then so be it. 

What will be the end of it? I don't know. The only thing i know is that, i can't live being a coward anymore; using the grand excuse of sacrificing oneself in order to make everyone's happy. How long can i continue to lie to myself like this? 

Ying

Seeking for a breakthrough

Visions

Received lotsa visions and messages from the Lord.

Lord, are you sure I can pull this of? Such enourmous, unthinkable, unimaginable and challenging task.

I don't think it ends there.

Ying

Staring

So many mix feelings i am feeling right now, thinking maybe i am having wrong impressions. 

Kept on convincing myself this is just me.... issit really just me? 

Sitting at the saloon coughing away in this cold weather staring at this blogpost blankly.. 

Aih..... life starts when exactly? 

Ying
P.S : The world thinks I am weird.

Prompting

Lord, i thank you for sending a best buddy into my life when i am about to give up. I hope i were sent by You into hers for a purpose too.

I can sense Your presence in her, Lord. I have made some progress these few days from the point that i am stuck with. I had lesser episodes since that day till this moment. 

I do not know where I will be heading to next but my heart will always seek for you. 

Ying

Worry too much

Worries for the past few months, up till the intense past few weeks, thank God that finally i am getting some revelations to it. Was prompted and forced to relook into my past again. It seems there's some lead to whatever that is happening now.

Me of little faith, being me has been worrying too much for tomorrow. I have forgotten the fact that God is already there, in our tomorrow. I just have to continue to seek him, to trust his will and do not worry about tomorrow as each day has enough trouble of its own. 

God took care of the birds in the sky and flowers in the field, what makes us think that He won't took care of us who had created in his image? There were times i fell off the grid as things were too much to handle deep down, we can overcome with the grace of God; though easy said than done (it's a journey bah). 

Hopefully i may be able to stay with this positive vibe for a longer period of time. Everyone must find their way to tackle Goliath. 

Ying

P.S Soooo sleepyyyyyy

Why It's always about me?

Stuck at the tailor waiting in idle mode, feeling time is wasting away like there's no tomorrow zzzzzz.. heart don't feel quite great today, it's painful... Don't ask me why... Here I am, sitting down at the corner, words flowing in my mind and i am writing again. 

When will I stop focusing too much on myself, being full of myself and start observing my surroundings? 

I have always believed that we are the shaper/creator of our life. That if i want something for myself, I have to get out and actively take a role in pathing my life out. 

I feel the same about relationships too; that we must work hard for it to happen and to stay committed. 

But what about the "spiritual variables" where people that come into our lives in certain stage for a reason? What about things that happened for a reason? 

There are no random encounters, no dumb luck but only realisation and messages that only can be revealed in time. 

Am i allow to risk my faith once again? To be bold and brave in doing mistakes after i made my choice...? That i will move on with prayer of blessings on the plans that i have chose for myself, and that no matter what happens after this, God you will always be there for me to go through those moments together?

At the very least, I want to believe that if people are meant to cross path / destined to meet again for a purpose... eventually they will find their way back; like the previous events that you have shown me. 

Ying

P.S : Mr Brightside by The Killers extra healing today.

Cold and funny

Your eyes are like Salamander

Hahahahhaahahahahahhaah... what a way to pick up a girl. 

Anytime Now.. Help

Having a normal and relaxing dinner function after stressful workload, maybe never ending workload zzzz...
Everything seems relaxing except i can feel my heart is off the beat. So tired, suffocated and restless.
I can feel panic attack may come anytime.
Taking lotsa deep breaths, trying to stay normal and calm in front of people around me.
Please, don't happen now. Hold it in. I don't wish the sweet evening wasted.

Timing and Uncetainties

If that is the plan, why does it seems there's a cross road in front of me? 

If that is the plan, why do you allow the development of another scenario? Which i have been trying to withstand? 

Is that why there's two voices inside my head 4 years ago asking me to make a choice - hold on or let go; because you knew eventually things will turn out the way it is today. 

Is there such a thing where you can make a choice based on the options in the future without considering feelings at that time? 

What if i picked the less traveled road where i decided to turn the table around, will it end up as a major dissapointment? 

God, this time am I gonna wait for another episode of Deja Vu to discover your message? Won't it be too late then? 

What if we really met 2 years ago? Will things be different then? I doubt it. So the questions to ask myself would be - What exactly am I hoping and waiting for? 

Rami Malek, You Might Be God Sent~!

Was feeling extremely terrible and detached from this world, God must have known how i felt and showed me a way out for that evening. This interview clip, at that moment, was my life savior. Won't elaborate much on it but please watch this religiously!

Thank you Lord, for listening to me. 

Today

Today was ok. Down with slight fever, minor bronchitis (damn rain, and damn me for thinking i am invincible) plus cough.. speed of work halfed for the entire day. 

Feeling quite ok till late evening when it come again. Feeling so bad, i just wanna dissapear. 

This sad feeling and pressure of perception is killing me from my inside. Feeling like i never want to wake up and see the morning of tomorrow ever again. 

I thought by going back into writing just like before would help. Again, harsh life has proven otherwise. I am desparately in need of an antidote for this sense of alienation in being part of this secular world. I could feel the presence of terrifying evil around me, i see them in others' eyes. 

Is this adulting? Have i been protected too much and too long? 

There are times

There are times, the me inside is screaming desparately for freedom.
There are times, i just refused to grow up.
There are times, i wonder why all these have to be on my shoulder.
There are times, i just wanna be self-centered, i don't wanna be a good kid.
There are times, i just wanna do mistakes and be forgiven; just like others did.
There are times, i am asking myself whether i am being ungrateful of all the love and blessings that i have been given.
There are times, i just so wanna screw things up and walk towards self destruction, in order to feel what it actually feels like.
Can i have the time that i need to be a crybaby, a capricious kid and a kid who never grew up for a while?

Afterall, life is a pilgrimage. Why am i trying extremely hard where others don't? Heart is tired all the time. Spirit in me long for a sacred ground. My Prince of Peace, where exactly are you? I could feel you everyday but you did not reach out to me.

Under the bright side, there is always shadow looking to be more powerful. 

Reality kicks in

I guess, i have always knew what's your plans for me all along.. but depression, anxiousness, uncertainties and worries still kick in. 

There are times even when you said do not be afraid but i still do under certain circumstances. There are times i just wanna explore different scenarios.. knowing that your plans has always been not to harm me but to prosper me. 

There must be a reason why I am created in the way i am after all these years from your sculpting. 

I knew she is God sent when I first met her.  I have never imagined anyone or anything be able to bring such a big impact to my long dead heart but it happened. There are countless times i have wished this particular crossed path, this plans that you have for me now; will not split into different directions.

Reality is, we all know best that this will be one of the best encounters i am facing in my life (just like 10 years ago) but a short and painful one to let go. All the courage, bittersweet moments, challenges, synergies, hardships and best of all, LOVE; will be a new support mechanism for the days to come in serving you. 

The human side of me is so weak that even though i know it's impossible and i should stay away, my heart still longs for it. Please grant it to me so that i have no regrets; only if it is your will for me to experience it. 

Into your hands, I surrender. Only you know best, despite my feelings.

Heavenly father, i am tired. For many times i just wanna return to home, to where you are. I longed for your call.