Right here, right now

A part of me just died, probably it's time to send and lock the other me away into the cold dark place, once again. 

In the quest of searching myself, issit worth instilling guilt, uncertainties, pain, troubles to myself and people around me? When i had the courage to go for it, but what i got is cold response and pulling back. 

Maybe i should lock it away. So that i could feel no more pain, no more emptiness and no more joy. It's too much to take in. 

Ying

Sighhhhh... 1 more day to a brand new year

It's You & Only You

In the midst of emotional roller coaster these few days (more like chasing my own tail *facepalm*), feeling something is amiss all the time. Is this another misconception of mine? Is this a trial? Can i trust my own feelings & judgement? I am pretty sure my body is being very honest at this point of time. 

As I am going through all the trials and tribulations, I find myself intensely yearning for Christ; for the holy spirit in me (Nope, not another P&W session, pfft). Every little things that's happening around me are like messages and I not sure which one to take in. As if the situation is making me to learn that I have to let go of trying to control but to put my trust and let things fall into places regardless of the pain, joy and what may come. 

Apparently the only option that i have for myself is kinda clear (hard to make myself to admit that), IT IS TO BE OR NOT TO BE (heck, why am I being so poetic in the early morning?). I could see that particular barrier in front of me now but i am stuck. Do i have the courage to cross that barrier even it might means i will lost literally everything; even when it hurts? Is that barrier JUST a misconception of mine all along as what the societies and professionals claimed? 

God, you alone are holy, are worthy and only you alone deserve my praise. Me, on the other hand; kept on questioning my own existence and worthiness in this world. In my own world and my own definition, in nature i am just a fucked up and confused being; often contradicting myself within myself (hence fucked up and confused wearing a perfect rational & innocent mask) with inner dialogues (yes, i am a psycho). 

Please, walk beside me Lord, don't ever leave me alone. Be my tomorrow, i give you my weaknesses, you give me your strength. 

Ying,

Sheldon wannabe? 

I have asked for it

The times i don't feel that God is close to me, He is actually close at heart. Just like 4 years ago, crucial timing where i have asked and seeked, then answers (be it complete or incomplete... yes God.. you are so naughty) came right away after that. Always during Christmas period aih.. 

This short trip, although is not a full closure but i did experience certain degree of breakthrough; getting closer and closer to the one buried inside of me. Things i did not get to do before this, people that i have not been able to meet, funeral that i am unable to attend.. i fulfilled it during this trip. 

Now sitting at the airport departure hall, heart is longing to go home, to where the other person is... for now... what will it be after this, i do not know; all i know is i can never let go of seeking you, can never stop questioning you, Lord. 

Ying

Sometimes we stubborn like rain

Me Time

Hiding myself at the usual corner again (can't seem to upload the photo of the spot.. grrr), just feel like lazying around and away from voices of human.. aih... 

Being honest is hard, being truthful hurts, doing the so called right thing taking its toll. But then again God, if it is not now, when? I have already revealed my cards; said things which can't be undone. The rest, i only can let the course run on its own from here. Can't figure out the true meaning of this universe (wont be human if i do). If it is meant to be, it is.. if it is not.. then so be it. 

What will be the end of it? I don't know. The only thing i know is that, i can't live being a coward anymore; using the grand excuse of sacrificing oneself in order to make everyone's happy. How long can i continue to lie to myself like this? 

Ying

Seeking for a breakthrough

Visions

Received lotsa visions and messages from the Lord.

Lord, are you sure I can pull this of? Such enourmous, unthinkable, unimaginable and challenging task.

I don't think it ends there.

Ying

Staring

So many mix feelings i am feeling right now, thinking maybe i am having wrong impressions. 

Kept on convincing myself this is just me.... issit really just me? 

Sitting at the saloon coughing away in this cold weather staring at this blogpost blankly.. 

Aih..... life starts when exactly? 

Ying
P.S : The world thinks I am weird.

Prompting

Lord, i thank you for sending a best buddy into my life when i am about to give up. I hope i were sent by You into hers for a purpose too.

I can sense Your presence in her, Lord. I have made some progress these few days from the point that i am stuck with. I had lesser episodes since that day till this moment. 

I do not know where I will be heading to next but my heart will always seek for you. 

Ying

Worry too much

Worries for the past few months, up till the intense past few weeks, thank God that finally i am getting some revelations to it. Was prompted and forced to relook into my past again. It seems there's some lead to whatever that is happening now.

Me of little faith, being me has been worrying too much for tomorrow. I have forgotten the fact that God is already there, in our tomorrow. I just have to continue to seek him, to trust his will and do not worry about tomorrow as each day has enough trouble of its own. 

God took care of the birds in the sky and flowers in the field, what makes us think that He won't took care of us who had created in his image? There were times i fell off the grid as things were too much to handle deep down, we can overcome with the grace of God; though easy said than done (it's a journey bah). 

Hopefully i may be able to stay with this positive vibe for a longer period of time. Everyone must find their way to tackle Goliath. 

Ying

P.S Soooo sleepyyyyyy

Why It's always about me?

Stuck at the tailor waiting in idle mode, feeling time is wasting away like there's no tomorrow zzzzzz.. heart don't feel quite great today, it's painful... Don't ask me why... Here I am, sitting down at the corner, words flowing in my mind and i am writing again. 

When will I stop focusing too much on myself, being full of myself and start observing my surroundings? 

I have always believed that we are the shaper/creator of our life. That if i want something for myself, I have to get out and actively take a role in pathing my life out. 

I feel the same about relationships too; that we must work hard for it to happen and to stay committed. 

But what about the "spiritual variables" where people that come into our lives in certain stage for a reason? What about things that happened for a reason? 

There are no random encounters, no dumb luck but only realisation and messages that only can be revealed in time. 

Am i allow to risk my faith once again? To be bold and brave in doing mistakes after i made my choice...? That i will move on with prayer of blessings on the plans that i have chose for myself, and that no matter what happens after this, God you will always be there for me to go through those moments together?

At the very least, I want to believe that if people are meant to cross path / destined to meet again for a purpose... eventually they will find their way back; like the previous events that you have shown me. 

Ying

P.S : Mr Brightside by The Killers extra healing today.

Cold and funny

Your eyes are like Salamander

Hahahahhaahahahahahhaah... what a way to pick up a girl. 

Anytime Now.. Help

Having a normal and relaxing dinner function after stressful workload, maybe never ending workload zzzz...
Everything seems relaxing except i can feel my heart is off the beat. So tired, suffocated and restless.
I can feel panic attack may come anytime.
Taking lotsa deep breaths, trying to stay normal and calm in front of people around me.
Please, don't happen now. Hold it in. I don't wish the sweet evening wasted.

Timing and Uncetainties

If that is the plan, why does it seems there's a cross road in front of me? 

If that is the plan, why do you allow the development of another scenario? Which i have been trying to withstand? 

Is that why there's two voices inside my head 4 years ago asking me to make a choice - hold on or let go; because you knew eventually things will turn out the way it is today. 

Is there such a thing where you can make a choice based on the options in the future without considering feelings at that time? 

What if i picked the less traveled road where i decided to turn the table around, will it end up as a major dissapointment? 

God, this time am I gonna wait for another episode of Deja Vu to discover your message? Won't it be too late then? 

What if we really met 2 years ago? Will things be different then? I doubt it. So the questions to ask myself would be - What exactly am I hoping and waiting for? 

Rami Malek, You Might Be God Sent~!

Was feeling extremely terrible and detached from this world, God must have known how i felt and showed me a way out for that evening. This interview clip, at that moment, was my life savior. Won't elaborate much on it but please watch this religiously!

Thank you Lord, for listening to me. 

Today

Today was ok. Down with slight fever, minor bronchitis (damn rain, and damn me for thinking i am invincible) plus cough.. speed of work halfed for the entire day. 

Feeling quite ok till late evening when it come again. Feeling so bad, i just wanna dissapear. 

This sad feeling and pressure of perception is killing me from my inside. Feeling like i never want to wake up and see the morning of tomorrow ever again. 

I thought by going back into writing just like before would help. Again, harsh life has proven otherwise. I am desparately in need of an antidote for this sense of alienation in being part of this secular world. I could feel the presence of terrifying evil around me, i see them in others' eyes. 

Is this adulting? Have i been protected too much and too long? 

There are times

There are times, the me inside is screaming desparately for freedom.
There are times, i just refused to grow up.
There are times, i wonder why all these have to be on my shoulder.
There are times, i just wanna be self-centered, i don't wanna be a good kid.
There are times, i just wanna do mistakes and be forgiven; just like others did.
There are times, i am asking myself whether i am being ungrateful of all the love and blessings that i have been given.
There are times, i just so wanna screw things up and walk towards self destruction, in order to feel what it actually feels like.
Can i have the time that i need to be a crybaby, a capricious kid and a kid who never grew up for a while?

Afterall, life is a pilgrimage. Why am i trying extremely hard where others don't? Heart is tired all the time. Spirit in me long for a sacred ground. My Prince of Peace, where exactly are you? I could feel you everyday but you did not reach out to me.

Under the bright side, there is always shadow looking to be more powerful. 

Reality kicks in

I guess, i have always knew what's your plans for me all along.. but depression, anxiousness, uncertainties and worries still kick in. 

There are times even when you said do not be afraid but i still do under certain circumstances. There are times i just wanna explore different scenarios.. knowing that your plans has always been not to harm me but to prosper me. 

There must be a reason why I am created in the way i am after all these years from your sculpting. 

I knew she is God sent when I first met her.  I have never imagined anyone or anything be able to bring such a big impact to my long dead heart but it happened. There are countless times i have wished this particular crossed path, this plans that you have for me now; will not split into different directions.

Reality is, we all know best that this will be one of the best encounters i am facing in my life (just like 10 years ago) but a short and painful one to let go. All the courage, bittersweet moments, challenges, synergies, hardships and best of all, LOVE; will be a new support mechanism for the days to come in serving you. 

The human side of me is so weak that even though i know it's impossible and i should stay away, my heart still longs for it. Please grant it to me so that i have no regrets; only if it is your will for me to experience it. 

Into your hands, I surrender. Only you know best, despite my feelings.

Heavenly father, i am tired. For many times i just wanna return to home, to where you are. I longed for your call. 

Unusual

Everytime got scolded because i can't wake up early during weekends to go out as early as 8am. 

Today, alarm woke me up at 7am, enjoyed half an hour of glorious time in bathroom; feeling so active and energetic ever since. I have never look forward to a day so much. 

The person who often scolded my lateness ended up still in bed today hahaha.. 

#sowrongyetsoright

Another Day

Another day full of stress,
Another day overwhelmed with work,
Another day of lotsa nonsense,
Another day with supportive colleagues,
Another day I smile when Cola make someone smile =)

P.S : For God sake too much Cola is not good XD

Ungodly hour

Hey, me (laugh, lame joke). How weird can I be? Hahhahahaha...

Gulped dinner in 5 minutes, continued OT-ing till I fall asleep with my face on the laptop keyboard, lmao. It's 3am upon waking up. So ungodly huhu ~~~

Continued what i suppose to continue till i gave up and fed up... work life balance serioisly off the grid!

Here i am feeling half hearted on writing but figured just write la as I will be so bored when I reach old age and reading back all these posts; laughing at my past self will be entertaining lmao ~~~

I met someone, someone who have shaken my beliefs and doubts; someone who stirred my long dead heart which no longer feel joy. I need an answer. Should i look for it? Will it cost a big price? Putting myself first or other people first?

P.S I want to believe it is just wedding jitters but it ain't the case.. 🙄

It's been 8 years, hi.. my old self

I thought i have forgotten about this blog until i stumbled on it again. Huala~! 8 years has passed since my last post. 8 years can take away a person's joy, happiness and anticipation towards life and future. 

Somehow the urge to write has came back to me... longing to be discovered by someone who really knows me; whichever state of life i am in right now. 

Heart has been the same ever since; with a huge part of emptiness still exist in me, searching for answers. I am still looking, I am still searching for the unknown.

To whom shall i go but Jesus. I can only pray, hope and stay bitter while time slowly fade away; in this life.