It's not as free as I think.. So Bullsh!t

Yea... I am not as free as I think.. semester has started but I only got classes on Wednesday and Thursday.. I should be super free isn't it?? wow.. i just found out that my whole week is actually fully occupied.. Monday and Tuesday and Saturday I have to work till my leg break.. Wednesday and Thursday study except friday is the only free day but not free at all when comes to do assignments... oh man.. now I am as busy as someone.. maybe more busier..

Things was going great and smooth so far.. wanted to settle down.. except something just keep bothering me.. I have been a failure and walk away from home just to escape.. I thought this escaping is meant to be... again.. i was wrong.. I still haunted by things.. things that I still care of.. I choose to be a loser and go away.. can't just let me go? the feeling of a loser is not sweet at all!! why am I still care? sh!t.. keep scolding myself.. blame myself for being too stupid.. Sh!T .. it's my turn to get tied up by the past this time!!! My time was fully occupied and yet my brain still have rooms to think about all those things... God, pls la don't tempt me.. don't look up to me so much.. I am a human who has limit in enduring also ..

I guess it's time to be the old me again.. it's aint that bad although i have few bad habits but as long as I am happy with it.. who cares.. no one cares the true me.. even him.. Well, that shows that we human never had the power of changing someone.. only god can... as things are seems meant to be at the first place.. it is just not anymore.. Everything is so damn wrong to me now! I give up.. i can't full fill your will, Lord.. I can't hold on and stay on and don't give up... All I can do now is pray and wait..

What's left?? There's nothing left... only left 2 lines of tears and a malfunction heart (literally ok?) where only one key can patch it up... This is just part of my stories.. imagine there's billions or even trillions people in the world and they all have their own stories .. amazing isn't it?? I am just a tiny dot in this universe.. But one day.. as our light of life fading, our story will come to an end as well... Do live an amazing life..

P/S : ..Is definitely Two Face .. I dislike two face .. twisted personality.. will two face wake up from his nightmare? Lets hope and pray about it.. He deserve a better life... Doesn't he?

Regards,
Ying
May God Bless You Always +

wo bu ming bai

Sigh.. So boring ar… Semester has not started yet and I am doing nothing. Have not got my room too since I only can move in on 23^rd July 2008. Amazingly, there is not much entertainment here compare to life back in Miri. Shops close around 5 or 6pm and you won’t be seeing much people outside at night. So creepy man… besides that, food portion here are HUGE, I hardly finish the food ordered from the stall… weather are so freaking cold… sigh… hope I can find a job soon to kill my time here.

Having a new beginning is not as easy as I thought. I thought by leaving far away from home, from people at home can make me move on. But now, I am not so sure anymore. I guess it really takes time to cope with it. Just before I leave I saw someone.. Someone that I miss so much, someone that apart from me. We walked pass each other and I do not intent to greet because I am afraid that I’ll be unable to leave. The moment where you felt just few meters away from each other.. Long awaited tears.. oh man.. It’s good enough that God had given me a chance to see someone I care so much and doing very fine.

I feel that he still remains a place in my heart.. It’s feel like so yesterday... Somehow, being apart is hurting.. But if I still remain at the same destination, it will be more hurting and difficult than this moment. I can tell people that I am doing fine, that I have over it and I can fake myself up. No matter how well I cover up myself, I just can’t lie to myself, my heart.

The prove that you actually being in love/loved someone is when this person always remains in your mind all the time, when you just can’t forget the good and special time both people spent before; when your emotion still affected by him; when you just can’t felt your own heart when he left; when you look into the mirror and smile to yourself on little sweet funny things that happen between 2 people before. It is the person where you are able to accept, love and appreciate who they are, even their good and bad. It’s always as simple as that, don’t know why things got so complicated..

People always say, ‘if it is yours, it will remains as yours’ or ‘Just let it be.. Time will tell everything’. But, if we keep moving on and do not do something about it, sometimes it is just simply ‘it is not yours’, right? It’s like you have given up before you have tried your best to fight for the one that you love. So? What should we do?? Try to make it yours by any mean or just wait? Is keeping the same hope good or bad?? Such confusing statement human can talk about here. At the end of the day, we just have to have strong faith/believe and pray for dream come true.

P/S : Will such confuse girl who keep holding on will have an ending like Enchanted where true love kiss exist? Well, sounds impossible and like a dream.

Regards,

L.L

May God Bless You Always +

First time experience .. 13 to 14th July 2008

Honestly, this is my first time “fly” out of my beloved home country. Arrived in brunei around 11.20pm and since then been staying and waiting in the super darn bored departure hall after completed my transit procedure. After an hour finally Zack and Roger came into the departure hall. Wuhu~~ super happy as finally I have friends to talk to… took a lot of photos and pranking each other until 1.50am before we boarded.

I ended up complaining of the sudden hunger in the plane and that sucks.. weather turns cold and gloomy and I can’t really stand it. Keep pranking and slept until 6.30am and have a set of delicious breakfast. Arrived to Perth just before 8am and airport are full with people.. this is what I so call ’people mountain people sea’ … lol..

Then we headed to Roger’s room for a rest before going to campus to deal with formal matters. Campus was super huge when we went there… haha.. can’t imagine man.. Distance between buildings is super far and easy to get lost. The weather in Perth was weird. It was super freezing during day but hot during afternoon and colder at night. 2 sets of jacket is not even enough to keep me warm.. Trying to get use to the weather here as fast as I can before semester starts.

As more formal matters, really had us go here and there and here and there again.. so tiring la.. Other than that, I was so happy that I met Evangeline on campus and some other Curtin students from Miri as well! Settled everything then head back to Roger’s room taking some rest before going out dinner with Roger, Alexander, Kimmy and Jalong. Weather here was so COLD~~~ lol….

Anyway, so far so good la…. A bit home sick but I guess it’s alright. Right now, I have to make a new decision and choice which will influence my after graduate life. A bit worry but I guess it should be fine cause god always there for me when I needed him.

P/S : Exciting new life … so COLD arghhh~~~~

Regards,
L.L
May God Bless You Always +

My Finale in Kuching

Yup, from the title itself readers will know that it’s time for me to leave to Perth. Packed, prepared (at least physically), and called up friends before I go off. Few days before I go, was surprise that I have a chance to meet up all my friends especially those from Miri. Lol.. Thanks to rainforest world music festival. I am really grateful that I being able to meet my friends and do the things that I wanted before I leave.

Baggage is in overload condition.. Just hope that I did not left out the things I needed if not ‘dai ji dua diao lo’. Mixed feelings I was having here. Excited, anticipating, anxious, nervous, sad, nostalgic … sad of the past but what to do have to move on also and happy for what is awaiting me ahead. Life mah~~~

Arrived Kuching airport around 8.30pm and waited for 1 and a half hour to board into my flight to Brunei. When time reach 9.35pm, talked to someone before I go into the plane. Well, had a surprise moment but sigh.. I guess this is it. Nothing much that I can say but at least I know that person is doing well and fine..

Realized that our pace of change is different, thinking is different, trust is different, realize that I just can’t get rid of that feeling, realized how painful it is this time and the pain of missing someone, the tone, the voice.. all the things have to become past tense.. Have to.. for a NEW BEGINNING. I did not give up in praying that we will do well and fine for the cause.

Will sure miss Kuching food de!! Hahahaha….

P/S : It’s never too late to let each other know how much you appreciated them even though they gone unless it is separated by death.

Regards,
Ying
May God Bless You Always +

Sometimes... I am Just Not Me

Am I just being too stubborn ALL THE TIME?
Am I just being soft hearted all the time?
Am I just that bad all the time?
Am I just too dependent and stupid when comes to LOVE all the time?
Am I just not compatible enough or smart enough all the time??
Who am I? What am I? How am I in people’s eyes? Why I am so sensitive towards people’s eyes?

I just simply don’t know. What have gone wrong? I just can’t answer that. I keep praying and asking myself for an answer.. What could have gone wrong?? What is wrong with my life?! Ever since my first relationship ends.. I hardly TRUST.. Even though I wanted to.. Striving to trust.. I can’t think like others.. I can’t read others’ mind.. You have to tell me.. Everybody’s different and unique.. Nobody’s perfect! Neither do you.. It's just the matter of accepting who we really are... love the way we are..

As expected from fear, it can even destroy the most rational person in the world. It creates desperateness that you could not imagine. It is really scary. I know it because I had let fear destroyed me.. all the time. I don’t even know it when I was controlled by fear.. The fear of things might change.. I might lose things that I want. This fear has caused me not me anymore. I would do anything just too protect the things that I wanted, someone that I don’t wanna lose.. It is just like protecting what I have left, a dream. At the end, I still lose things or worse come to worse losing someone that we love most cause being too rush and pushy.. and DESPERATE. It makes you look CHEAP.. %$W#$@$

Still can recall when I look into his eyes, where I am not inside there anymore.. Where he is beside me but I felt that he is so far apart.. Like I am nobody anymore.. and he is someone that mean a lot to you, like one in a million to you… Can anyone imagine that kind of fear? I just can’t tell why… It’s a sense in me that tells me he simply just not yours anymore.. When someone cares what other person thinks more than you, When someone smile and excited because of other person but not you, YOU JUST KNOW IT.

When I look back.. I was thinking, Why am I so foolish and naive.. Trying to protect someone that I am gonna lose soon and lead to unwanted situations, blames and hatred later on. Just when I thought I know how to care, how to appreciate someone... and change because of someone... as I thought finally I found someone, I’m totally did not aware that today’s thing would happen. Haiya.. Listen to too many Enchanted soundtracks la.. caused all these illusions…

Keep telling myself do not ever let myself have regrets, do not do something that will make me suffer for the rest of my life.. I thought I do it well all the time but this time.. This time I had let myself down.. I really earn myself a heartbroken moment. Deserve it… I had let fear conquered me… I have failed in controlling/trying to change this part of me.. What have I done wrong in love? What is right? What is wrong? What should I do? What should I not do? I was so confuse of what is happening.. and why all these things happen in my life time? Why it has to be me? Sooner or later I just got to accept that I am just not ready..

Well, everyone likes to talk about “If I could turn back time ..” theory but the FACT is .. Yo! We can’t turn back TIME! Who don’t like to turn back time.. I would like to if I have the ability.. To stop the moment that triggered our connection at the beginning. Just wish that the meeting that time was not successful, the magical moment do not happen then things would have not happen so no one will get hurt. Nobody wants things turn bad.. trust me.. I don't hope for continuity anymore.. cause I know best that once you have decided.. there will be no more changes.. I don't want to behave so cheap..

I am pretty sure when I grow older.. and think back, I will laugh at myself for being such a silly girl before.. for being too sincere and 100% .. at the end of the day, I will just say ”hey, life nia.. so what?” aha! Let’s save that laugh for future.

P/S : I Never Know This Time Will Hurt This Much.. What A Poison.. What A Drug.. Watever! I still wanna smile ~~ yay!!

Regards,
Ying
May God Bless You Always +