Staring

So many mix feelings i am feeling right now, thinking maybe i am having wrong impressions. 

Kept on convincing myself this is just me.... issit really just me? 

Sitting at the saloon coughing away in this cold weather staring at this blogpost blankly.. 

Aih..... life starts when exactly? 

Ying
P.S : The world thinks I am weird.

Prompting

Lord, i thank you for sending a best buddy into my life when i am about to give up. I hope i were sent by You into hers for a purpose too.

I can sense Your presence in her, Lord. I have made some progress these few days from the point that i am stuck with. I had lesser episodes since that day till this moment. 

I do not know where I will be heading to next but my heart will always seek for you. 

Ying

Worry too much

Worries for the past few months, up till the intense past few weeks, thank God that finally i am getting some revelations to it. Was prompted and forced to relook into my past again. It seems there's some lead to whatever that is happening now.

Me of little faith, being me has been worrying too much for tomorrow. I have forgotten the fact that God is already there, in our tomorrow. I just have to continue to seek him, to trust his will and do not worry about tomorrow as each day has enough trouble of its own. 

God took care of the birds in the sky and flowers in the field, what makes us think that He won't took care of us who had created in his image? There were times i fell off the grid as things were too much to handle deep down, we can overcome with the grace of God; though easy said than done (it's a journey bah). 

Hopefully i may be able to stay with this positive vibe for a longer period of time. Everyone must find their way to tackle Goliath. 

Ying

P.S Soooo sleepyyyyyy

Why It's always about me?

Stuck at the tailor waiting in idle mode, feeling time is wasting away like there's no tomorrow zzzzzz.. heart don't feel quite great today, it's painful... Don't ask me why... Here I am, sitting down at the corner, words flowing in my mind and i am writing again. 

When will I stop focusing too much on myself, being full of myself and start observing my surroundings? 

I have always believed that we are the shaper/creator of our life. That if i want something for myself, I have to get out and actively take a role in pathing my life out. 

I feel the same about relationships too; that we must work hard for it to happen and to stay committed. 

But what about the "spiritual variables" where people that come into our lives in certain stage for a reason? What about things that happened for a reason? 

There are no random encounters, no dumb luck but only realisation and messages that only can be revealed in time. 

Am i allow to risk my faith once again? To be bold and brave in doing mistakes after i made my choice...? That i will move on with prayer of blessings on the plans that i have chose for myself, and that no matter what happens after this, God you will always be there for me to go through those moments together?

At the very least, I want to believe that if people are meant to cross path / destined to meet again for a purpose... eventually they will find their way back; like the previous events that you have shown me. 

Ying

P.S : Mr Brightside by The Killers extra healing today.

Cold and funny

Your eyes are like Salamander

Hahahahhaahahahahahhaah... what a way to pick up a girl. 

Anytime Now.. Help

Having a normal and relaxing dinner function after stressful workload, maybe never ending workload zzzz...
Everything seems relaxing except i can feel my heart is off the beat. So tired, suffocated and restless.
I can feel panic attack may come anytime.
Taking lotsa deep breaths, trying to stay normal and calm in front of people around me.
Please, don't happen now. Hold it in. I don't wish the sweet evening wasted.

Timing and Uncetainties

If that is the plan, why does it seems there's a cross road in front of me? 

If that is the plan, why do you allow the development of another scenario? Which i have been trying to withstand? 

Is that why there's two voices inside my head 4 years ago asking me to make a choice - hold on or let go; because you knew eventually things will turn out the way it is today. 

Is there such a thing where you can make a choice based on the options in the future without considering feelings at that time? 

What if i picked the less traveled road where i decided to turn the table around, will it end up as a major dissapointment? 

God, this time am I gonna wait for another episode of Deja Vu to discover your message? Won't it be too late then? 

What if we really met 2 years ago? Will things be different then? I doubt it. So the questions to ask myself would be - What exactly am I hoping and waiting for? 

Rami Malek, You Might Be God Sent~!

Was feeling extremely terrible and detached from this world, God must have known how i felt and showed me a way out for that evening. This interview clip, at that moment, was my life savior. Won't elaborate much on it but please watch this religiously!

Thank you Lord, for listening to me. 

Today

Today was ok. Down with slight fever, minor bronchitis (damn rain, and damn me for thinking i am invincible) plus cough.. speed of work halfed for the entire day. 

Feeling quite ok till late evening when it come again. Feeling so bad, i just wanna dissapear. 

This sad feeling and pressure of perception is killing me from my inside. Feeling like i never want to wake up and see the morning of tomorrow ever again. 

I thought by going back into writing just like before would help. Again, harsh life has proven otherwise. I am desparately in need of an antidote for this sense of alienation in being part of this secular world. I could feel the presence of terrifying evil around me, i see them in others' eyes. 

Is this adulting? Have i been protected too much and too long? 

There are times

There are times, the me inside is screaming desparately for freedom.
There are times, i just refused to grow up.
There are times, i wonder why all these have to be on my shoulder.
There are times, i just wanna be self-centered, i don't wanna be a good kid.
There are times, i just wanna do mistakes and be forgiven; just like others did.
There are times, i am asking myself whether i am being ungrateful of all the love and blessings that i have been given.
There are times, i just so wanna screw things up and walk towards self destruction, in order to feel what it actually feels like.
Can i have the time that i need to be a crybaby, a capricious kid and a kid who never grew up for a while?

Afterall, life is a pilgrimage. Why am i trying extremely hard where others don't? Heart is tired all the time. Spirit in me long for a sacred ground. My Prince of Peace, where exactly are you? I could feel you everyday but you did not reach out to me.

Under the bright side, there is always shadow looking to be more powerful. 

Reality kicks in

I guess, i have always knew what's your plans for me all along.. but depression, anxiousness, uncertainties and worries still kick in. 

There are times even when you said do not be afraid but i still do under certain circumstances. There are times i just wanna explore different scenarios.. knowing that your plans has always been not to harm me but to prosper me. 

There must be a reason why I am created in the way i am after all these years from your sculpting. 

I knew she is God sent when I first met her.  I have never imagined anyone or anything be able to bring such a big impact to my long dead heart but it happened. There are countless times i have wished this particular crossed path, this plans that you have for me now; will not split into different directions.

Reality is, we all know best that this will be one of the best encounters i am facing in my life (just like 10 years ago) but a short and painful one to let go. All the courage, bittersweet moments, challenges, synergies, hardships and best of all, LOVE; will be a new support mechanism for the days to come in serving you. 

The human side of me is so weak that even though i know it's impossible and i should stay away, my heart still longs for it. Please grant it to me so that i have no regrets; only if it is your will for me to experience it. 

Into your hands, I surrender. Only you know best, despite my feelings.

Heavenly father, i am tired. For many times i just wanna return to home, to where you are. I longed for your call. 

Unusual

Everytime got scolded because i can't wake up early during weekends to go out as early as 8am. 

Today, alarm woke me up at 7am, enjoyed half an hour of glorious time in bathroom; feeling so active and energetic ever since. I have never look forward to a day so much. 

The person who often scolded my lateness ended up still in bed today hahaha.. 

#sowrongyetsoright

Another Day

Another day full of stress,
Another day overwhelmed with work,
Another day of lotsa nonsense,
Another day with supportive colleagues,
Another day I smile when Cola make someone smile =)

P.S : For God sake too much Cola is not good XD