Happiness is nothing but art and i have failed

Once, I only wished our friendship and momentum will keep on going.

Once, I only wished for the connection and understanding.

Once, I only wished for your hands to be held close to me, the kisses that turned my world upside down, the right moments that we spent together, the same wavelength that we synced, sharing the fragments of our soul where we belong together. 

I thought after all that i could be contented and be at peace but i was wrong. I have asked God to grant me the experience and he did.. but i wasn't contented; wasn't satisfy.  I became greedy. I wanted more and more .. for me to belong to and belong to me. 

All I could feel is this moment and i just don't wanna go home right now. I had to convince myself that God's plan is always more beautiful than my desire and that I had to force myself to stay patient and obedient towards His timing. All of these just because we are the species where we are the so called better and stronger people. How many episodes i have to go through in this life? How many heartbreaks, regrets and suffering that I have to go through? I am just a mere human. 

My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved...
I sang a song but no one hears, I screaming now but you're not here. All I wanna do is to say I love you. 
My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved...

I can only bury you deep down inside my heart and my soul.

My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved... 

my heart has hope and agony in parallel. 

My doppelganger, my nemesis, my beloved... 

when everything's meant to be broken, i just want you to know who I am. 

Right here, right now

A part of me just died, probably it's time to send and lock the other me away into the cold dark place, once again. 

In the quest of searching myself, issit worth instilling guilt, uncertainties, pain, troubles to myself and people around me? When i had the courage to go for it, but what i got is cold response and pulling back. 

Maybe i should lock it away. So that i could feel no more pain, no more emptiness and no more joy. It's too much to take in. 

Ying

Sighhhhh... 1 more day to a brand new year

It's You & Only You

In the midst of emotional roller coaster these few days (more like chasing my own tail *facepalm*), feeling something is amiss all the time. Is this another misconception of mine? Is this a trial? Can i trust my own feelings & judgement? I am pretty sure my body is being very honest at this point of time. 

As I am going through all the trials and tribulations, I find myself intensely yearning for Christ; for the holy spirit in me (Nope, not another P&W session, pfft). Every little things that's happening around me are like messages and I not sure which one to take in. As if the situation is making me to learn that I have to let go of trying to control but to put my trust and let things fall into places regardless of the pain, joy and what may come. 

Apparently the only option that i have for myself is kinda clear (hard to make myself to admit that), IT IS TO BE OR NOT TO BE (heck, why am I being so poetic in the early morning?). I could see that particular barrier in front of me now but i am stuck. Do i have the courage to cross that barrier even it might means i will lost literally everything; even when it hurts? Is that barrier JUST a misconception of mine all along as what the societies and professionals claimed? 

God, you alone are holy, are worthy and only you alone deserve my praise. Me, on the other hand; kept on questioning my own existence and worthiness in this world. In my own world and my own definition, in nature i am just a fucked up and confused being; often contradicting myself within myself (hence fucked up and confused wearing a perfect rational & innocent mask) with inner dialogues (yes, i am a psycho). 

Please, walk beside me Lord, don't ever leave me alone. Be my tomorrow, i give you my weaknesses, you give me your strength. 

Ying,

Sheldon wannabe?