Sometimes... I am Just Not Me

Am I just being too stubborn ALL THE TIME?
Am I just being soft hearted all the time?
Am I just that bad all the time?
Am I just too dependent and stupid when comes to LOVE all the time?
Am I just not compatible enough or smart enough all the time??
Who am I? What am I? How am I in people’s eyes? Why I am so sensitive towards people’s eyes?

I just simply don’t know. What have gone wrong? I just can’t answer that. I keep praying and asking myself for an answer.. What could have gone wrong?? What is wrong with my life?! Ever since my first relationship ends.. I hardly TRUST.. Even though I wanted to.. Striving to trust.. I can’t think like others.. I can’t read others’ mind.. You have to tell me.. Everybody’s different and unique.. Nobody’s perfect! Neither do you.. It's just the matter of accepting who we really are... love the way we are..

As expected from fear, it can even destroy the most rational person in the world. It creates desperateness that you could not imagine. It is really scary. I know it because I had let fear destroyed me.. all the time. I don’t even know it when I was controlled by fear.. The fear of things might change.. I might lose things that I want. This fear has caused me not me anymore. I would do anything just too protect the things that I wanted, someone that I don’t wanna lose.. It is just like protecting what I have left, a dream. At the end, I still lose things or worse come to worse losing someone that we love most cause being too rush and pushy.. and DESPERATE. It makes you look CHEAP.. %$W#$@$

Still can recall when I look into his eyes, where I am not inside there anymore.. Where he is beside me but I felt that he is so far apart.. Like I am nobody anymore.. and he is someone that mean a lot to you, like one in a million to you… Can anyone imagine that kind of fear? I just can’t tell why… It’s a sense in me that tells me he simply just not yours anymore.. When someone cares what other person thinks more than you, When someone smile and excited because of other person but not you, YOU JUST KNOW IT.

When I look back.. I was thinking, Why am I so foolish and naive.. Trying to protect someone that I am gonna lose soon and lead to unwanted situations, blames and hatred later on. Just when I thought I know how to care, how to appreciate someone... and change because of someone... as I thought finally I found someone, I’m totally did not aware that today’s thing would happen. Haiya.. Listen to too many Enchanted soundtracks la.. caused all these illusions…

Keep telling myself do not ever let myself have regrets, do not do something that will make me suffer for the rest of my life.. I thought I do it well all the time but this time.. This time I had let myself down.. I really earn myself a heartbroken moment. Deserve it… I had let fear conquered me… I have failed in controlling/trying to change this part of me.. What have I done wrong in love? What is right? What is wrong? What should I do? What should I not do? I was so confuse of what is happening.. and why all these things happen in my life time? Why it has to be me? Sooner or later I just got to accept that I am just not ready..

Well, everyone likes to talk about “If I could turn back time ..” theory but the FACT is .. Yo! We can’t turn back TIME! Who don’t like to turn back time.. I would like to if I have the ability.. To stop the moment that triggered our connection at the beginning. Just wish that the meeting that time was not successful, the magical moment do not happen then things would have not happen so no one will get hurt. Nobody wants things turn bad.. trust me.. I don't hope for continuity anymore.. cause I know best that once you have decided.. there will be no more changes.. I don't want to behave so cheap..

I am pretty sure when I grow older.. and think back, I will laugh at myself for being such a silly girl before.. for being too sincere and 100% .. at the end of the day, I will just say ”hey, life nia.. so what?” aha! Let’s save that laugh for future.

P/S : I Never Know This Time Will Hurt This Much.. What A Poison.. What A Drug.. Watever! I still wanna smile ~~ yay!!

Regards,
Ying
May God Bless You Always +